Snippets of Grief

 It's been 3 months since I heard your voice. How can it be so long, and yet... not?

It's January 1st; the first January first without you in it since 1972. The first without you in my life in some form for the past six or so years. What did we do last year? I can't even remember.

 Why did you leave me like this, folly-nook? (I don't know what that is, but apparently it's a shakespearian insult.)

 Sometimes I can't write to you because it means admitting you're gone. Sometimes I can't write to you because I'm too exhausted, and I just want you to lie across my couch and listen while I rant. 

 Why couldn't you take me with you, you bastard?

 Yesterday was busy, but not as bad as I feared. I missed you, of course I did, and there was sadness, but there were also moments of beauty and joy. I know you're hanging out at H's place with Summer, by the way. She and M hear you walking on the floorboards. Thank you for helping Summer settle in her new home. Today I'm remembering those little moments, like when you bought my Apple TV just before Christmas last year, and I kept urging you to wait until the Boxing Day sales. And the fun we had doing the sales together. Did you see how cleaned out everything was even at 9am?? It was really bizarre. I just. Fuck, man. I miss you, you big asshat.

 Things have been so busy and chaotic, but not for a moment have I really lost sight of you not being here. I made ornaments for your kids, and I gave little gifts to your grandkids. Missy has lots of new Christmas outfits, and some new toys. The tree is up and in the loungeroom. The treats are (mostly) made and chilling in the fridge. I usually love Christmas, I would give it all up for the chance to have you back. PS, Support Service 1 is, of course, making life more difficult than it has to be. You would be furious.