Snippets of Grief

the brisbane sosbsa has resumed face-to-face meetings. i've been thinking about going. you're a grandfather again, and you'll never meet her. she'll never meet her granddad.  you robbed us all -- and yourself -- of so much.

In two more days, it will have been 5 months since you left. Five months without you seems... unfathomable. You have missed so much, and life just keeps going on without you. Missy's had her first post-you vet visit. F is finally giving C the flick. M now has a worker under her that I deal with, a man. I'd rather deal with M, but he's okay. Depending what happens with my Sunday, I may have as many as 8 workers on my team, plus Dr M and Dr E. I'm having some medical tests done. Change is everywhere. You'd have hated it (change) as much as I do. But you would have walked through it with me. And damn you for leaving me to do it all alone.

 I don't know why I don't write to you anymore. Maybe I'm just too tired. Maybe it's because I just feel like.. you're too far away. Maybe I just feel more and more hopeless and alone every day. Or maybe it's all of those.

 In a couple of hours, it's going to be the 2nd of February -- 4 months since you left. I still find myself doing stupid things -- I'll be thinking how it's been 4 months since you died, and in the same breath, I'll reach for my phone to text you to come over. Summer has settled nicely into her new home, but you know that, because you went with her. Don't think I don't know it was you, banging around H's place. And then... you left. And now you're... you're where? Not here. Too far away.

 You bastard, you're supposed to be here. You're meant to be the one who takes the dogs to the vet, you know that. Missy has an abscess or a boil or something, and I need to figure out how to take her. Fuck you (aka, one more reason to miss the hell out of you).

 Sometimes, the most not-about-you things remind me of you. Today is K's birthday, and all I can think about is all the "old" jokes I teased her with on the way to San Churro last year, and I don't even know if you went -- but I think of you anyway.

 I'm sliding deeper into myself without you here. I don't know if anyone else has even noticed, let alone cares. I want to follow you. PS, H says Summer's crazy side swimming is seizures. I feel so guilty that we missed it.

 Damn you. Just. Damn you.

 My first birthday without you, and of course there has been sadness, and memories of you, and spaces where you were missing. Still, there have also been moments of beauty, and kindness, and love. Your youngest wished me a happy birthday - from herself and you. That was really touching. K bought me a birthday cake, since you weren't here to do it. That, too, was deeply touching.

 It was supposed to be me, you bastard.

 I can't believe it's been more than 100 days, more than three months, since I heard your voice. I miss it. I miss you. I even miss the stupid damn tractor game you used to play. I hope you can see what you have brought me to, you buzzard-brief door knocker.

 It's Summer's birthday today, and because of you, she's not here to celebrate with us, and nor are you. I'm angry-sad. Or maybe just sad. I miss you both, so damn much.

 I'm sorry I haven't written lately. I don't know what's going on with me, I'm just exhausted all the time. I've been talking to you in my head, instead of on here. I haven't - not for one minute - stopped missing you, but I don't cry all the time I think of you anymore. Lots of it, still, but not all of it.

 It's been 3 months since I heard your voice. How can it be so long, and yet... not?

It's January 1st; the first January first without you in it since 1972. The first without you in my life in some form for the past six or so years. What did we do last year? I can't even remember.

 Why did you leave me like this, folly-nook? (I don't know what that is, but apparently it's a shakespearian insult.)

 Sometimes I can't write to you because it means admitting you're gone. Sometimes I can't write to you because I'm too exhausted, and I just want you to lie across my couch and listen while I rant. 

 Why couldn't you take me with you, you bastard?

 Yesterday was busy, but not as bad as I feared. I missed you, of course I did, and there was sadness, but there were also moments of beauty and joy. I know you're hanging out at H's place with Summer, by the way. She and M hear you walking on the floorboards. Thank you for helping Summer settle in her new home. Today I'm remembering those little moments, like when you bought my Apple TV just before Christmas last year, and I kept urging you to wait until the Boxing Day sales. And the fun we had doing the sales together. Did you see how cleaned out everything was even at 9am?? It was really bizarre. I just. Fuck, man. I miss you, you big asshat.

 Things have been so busy and chaotic, but not for a moment have I really lost sight of you not being here. I made ornaments for your kids, and I gave little gifts to your grandkids. Missy has lots of new Christmas outfits, and some new toys. The tree is up and in the loungeroom. The treats are (mostly) made and chilling in the fridge. I usually love Christmas, I would give it all up for the chance to have you back. PS, Support Service 1 is, of course, making life more difficult than it has to be. You would be furious.